by writing this I know I will later go to hell or something. but anyway. whatever. I had enough and I can't really vent to anyone cause anyone I trust is not around at the moment, so... oh, well...


I HAD ENOUGH with this volunteering club.

yes, such a shock, even for me. it takes a short time to love this place and a short time as well to hate it. one once says "hell is not place, hell is people" and this is definitely true here. it was once a lovely place, filled with some lovely people. now so many things have changed; and I just don't know how to feel about this place anymore.

I'm being frontal right now but I just can't hold it, so I'm gonna just be honest about it.

the main problem starts because of this certain girl. there's another girl in this volunteering club who was always the kind to easily break down to simple problems and things. she was one to hardly believe that people will ever help her, so she often keeps to herself although she always tells me a lot of things she said she wouldn't tell anyone. one day when she broke down, her two friends decided to join the volunteering club as well. one (from my judgement) by her own will to help this friend of mine, one was forced.

so the girl who brings this problem I'm facing right now is the one who joined by force. I first knew her from the pkpt event back in december. from the first moment, tbh, I already disliked her. this is a bad habit I must describe a bit, probably. but I had a tendency to dislike people from the very first meeting, thinking that they have certain bad qualities and ended up being right most of the time. it's a bad habit. I hated it. I'm such a judgmental person, I know, but it just can't be helped. people are often predictable and that's sad in some cases, since I'm hoping for a surprise that some people I once thought was kind of not the one I can connect with can actually connect with me. so far, that kind of thing never happens. my judgment is sadly almost every time true; and I'm getting tired of it.

so this person (let's call her 'S') is simply....... idk. a diva, if I may say. back then, she always complains about our kids in TFI; saying to N that 'your kids are so crowded so noisy bla bla'. and once when there's a fire simulation during pkpt event, she thought that TFI was the one behind it (when in fact it was binus), so she complained to N that because of it lots of parents decided not to have their kids apply at binus. N was depressed for some moment there cause of her blame. later on, after 'joining' TFI, she was still her old self I expected her to be. very, very diva. she complains about petty little things. she would talk her mouth out whenever she likes. idk why, but every time she does something I wouldn't expect, it feels slightly... idk, fake. like the time we went to sekar foundation to see a talent show there, she later posted at instagram how it (the kids; sekar is a foundation for street kids and the talent show is about their journey from the road back to school thanks to sekar) really inspired her. for me, tbh, it seems fake cause she just............. doesn't seem to understand the kids that much. -sigh- that day I was already really annoyed by her complains during the journey. not to mention another friend who came along commented how awful the performance is. well, he was always a perfectionist, but tbh it really crushed me since I really enjoyed the performance from the kids in sekar. maybe it's because they never went to sekar before. they never felt how nice it is to be around the kids. how they tried to 'fix' themselves from the harsh life of the street. I mean, PLEASE, I just......... ugh.

then, came 'bunga rampai'. it's a sort of thing binus always held for two days in five consecutive weeks, which is to promote clubs to the new college students. N was again depressed during this moment since no one was able to help (either cause there are other events going or other usual 'oh I'm busy' reasons), so I decided to. S was having a short semester since she failed a course last semester, so she decided to help in every batch. not to mention, another volunteer named 'L', which is just........... strange in many ways (but since he's kind, I tried to understand him when in fact I failed including everyone which had tried) also helped in every batch. I'm stuck. to be honest, I REALLY DON'T WANT to help with bunga rampai in the first place (I was aiming to help with sorting the items for garage sale or other things that are less fancy), but since N was doing it all alone, I decided to try my best to control my feelings. now there're two weeks left to go and I'm already on the edge. the thing is N can't handle the last week, so I forcefully had to help her. -sigh- well... not forcefully. I just can't stand S right now. but what can I do?

time I really almost snapped is the time we were counting some items for garage sale. S YELLED SO LOUDLY AND HARSHLY TO ANYONE, especially N and another kind friend of mine, H. since when did volunteers work by yelling at your teammates? I know I'm supposed to understand it's all cause of the way her parents raised her, but seriously, girl, continue being like that, and I'll give up for sure. I already lost too many respect in the past, and then... this. -sigh- I know her usual talking style is already like... that, but really, learn some manners, please. if you can only yell to people, then please be a boss. be a boss that no one will ever respect. uuuuuuuggggggh.

I must admit I was still affected by some alam sutera volunteers during the independence day event which (one of them) is HORRIBLY BOSSY and afiojfoiadsjfodsiajfojads;fhsadfhiudsahfudsiufhadsifhuasidfh I just hate the way she talks okay. DON'T EVER TALK LIKE YOU'RE ABOVE OTHER PEOPLE. iofjaiofjioashfosahf just be a boss already. go away. treat people like trash. complain about everything. take some photos and post them into instagram 'oh i'm volunteering hashtag volunteering hashtag tfi hashtag i'm such a good person'. iefjaajfijjsodijfiosfjsiofjios.

well, S is not necessarily that kind of person, but she is quite close, tbh. I've been avoiding her for several days to avoid my feelings from exploding. hopefully it'll stay that way until she later left TFI (idk why but I think the only reason she's here because of N's breakdown and cause she found a boyfriend here). or maybe it's the other way around.

I wanna leave TFI.

haha. strange, right? N once said to me, you should be the last one staying at TFI since you're the most serious about it. you're the most passionate and most willing to help and teach the kids.

maybe.

-sigh-

yes. the kids. pretty much the ONLY reason I stay here. I wanna keep on helping them. but then again lately I've been feeling pretty compared by some volunteer friends. like how they'd say 'oh, it's good you get caught being naughty by tony, if by me...' or 'I'm pretty happy cause all the kids are only afraid of me and not the other volunteers' and all other things. TFI is full of several extremely choleric people and I must admit that I'm a bit bothered by their 'stingy' comments. I know, my teaching style is definitely TRASH. I failed being a teacher for a year back then and I probably still fail now, but at least give me a chance to try my own teaching style. I'll be strict when needed, but I'll always explain why I gave them consequences or raised my voice a bit - telling them that it's for their own good and it's cause I care for them. oh, well... I guess I'll leave it to the kids. if the kids still need me, then okay. I'll stay. for them. just because of them. if there are still some stingy comments, or some horrible people I can't connect with like S, I'll just stay quiet. for the kids. -sigh-

and maybe for some friends, too. they'll certainly wonder if I leave this place. I must admit I'm one of those freaks; always coming to the office almost every time (especially when the office is still in syahdan). so they'll certainly wonder why such a person who's like almost very diligent on coming to TFI and teaching the kids decided to quit TFI. I don't want to leave a bad impression like them being a bad friend or something. -sigh- it sure is hard to have some real nice friends. :/

I'm actually aiming to visit sekar or himmata (both or street child foundation) and asking a senior to take me to nuraini insani or other foundations around. I wanna travel to different places and help different people without needing to be judged and stuck with some people I simply don't get (of why they even decided to join TFI when they have no volunteering soul). so that's why I'm not interested in joining the structural next year. this year my name was put without my agreement and I'm quite happy since it gave me the chance to know two of the foundations I mentioned earlier. next year, I'm not sure........

I just have to see who gets picked as the leader. if a certain senior (name her D, haha) gets picked, I'll consider applying for structural. she's always kind and understanding, so I'm sure I can work well with her. she's also the one I came for advices most of the time, so... yeah. another senior which is close to her (and quite a bit too to me! :D) once said to me that 'TFI is full of good and bad things. try to take all the good things in and leave the bad things. if possible, fix the bad things in TFI'. I now understand what she meant by that. so yeah, suppose I get the chance to be in the structural again (hopefully a higher position to allow me to do more too), hopefully I can help fix TFI to be not this........... strange. -sigh-

idk anymore. sobs.

and then I'm just being random. :''

oh, well, that's all for today, I guess. sorry for the vent. had to rest well for tomorrow's garage sale preparation and to start thinking of designs for the later food festival event on October. sorry for spamming........ :''