dialog : d i l e m a .

—hasil kegundahan bulan lalu. [x]

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dream of flying.

disclaimer: Dream of Flying © 2011 by Brian Crain; performed by Brian Crain.

[pic is finished and posted on August 27, 2013]

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and as the tears flow for you, you dream about something.

that day you didn't know it, but your sibling came to see you again; wondering, and probably earlier than everyone,
losing.

but right above you now is the land you sometimes wondered about.
smiles and things you could not fully understand made its way as the curtains of those tired orbs started to hide them along with their vanishing light.

"it's okay," he last said; to which you reacted in a way that he could barely understand.
in the end, he's only assuming that you're going to be okay; even
now—

after everything has come to this, he's probably still muttering the same thing in his head.
a way to see things in softer spectrum, or splashes of paint made for temporary comfort. you couldn't tell.

it was after the wind made its way out
and never came back
that they gave you the last look they could; wondering, and probably preceded by your dearest sibling,—one whom they are now worried about—
losing.

his father had been very kind. his mother had been very kind. his neighbor had been very kind. everyone had been very kind.
he wondered if you felt it, too.

the last time he looked at you, he was glad to see how the glow in yourself seems to showcase itself through the slow movement of your chest; and he sighed in relief, somehow sure that the faint lantern will either stay or shine brighter.
but even if the glow eventually diminishes, you still look the same
and you still mean the same.
sad as can be, at least that's something he's glad about.

he ripped one of the fallen leaves and put it beside your neck;
you still slept soundlessly as the land you once looked down to become your new sky
—a warm and welcoming one, he hoped—
and he smiled.

even until now, he couldn't be sure of what you're dreaming about yesterday
and he also couldn't be sure of what you're dreaming about today.

he sometimes wondered if you dream about your life, your sibling and your parents, the ones who were kind enough to share some love to you; but, as it says, he can only wonder as your dream stretches further.
wondering can be very dangerous; but at this matter, he decided to give that saying no thought.

"it's okay," he last said.
and he hoped—as sad as it can be—you would believe it.

and as the tears flow for you, you dream about something
—you dream of flying

somewhere

nice.

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everything...

—feels nostalgic lately.

be it about the time when the wind whispered about how everything that surrounds should be greeted with a proper smile, or the ones when the wind told me about a tale that was slightly but quite not an opposite; of how the raindrops and the once blue sky would always help me fix my mind, forgiving the unclear truth that was shut inside the one thing that had many times been reminded to be cast out by the floating air. and right behind me now was one whom I knew but no longer could keep. and I'm actually quite glad for it.

and as I offered him a smile—one which spilled out due to the warmth that finally reveals a small piece of my heart—I knew this time he was smiling, too.

and as he melted to the transparent wall, I obligated myself to carve the remaining of the shatter like I silently promised, one by one as his previous masterpieces strummed into my sighting; each was a self-proclaimed masterpiece, for one with shaken hands could only comfort himself by such belief. but as I glued his crumbling stature into every part that fits, I knew for sure that they had been good. not for the constant argument, perhaps; but for a pair of damp, lonely lens, yes.

"thank you," I then muttered as he thanked me back.

soon after, coughing noiseless air into the scenery was me again, for the one who had once been my only companion there had already diminished, leaving a ripple of hope of how at least a bit of his sparkle could linger at the shoulders of the ones whom his sad yet poetic farewell came across with. I, being that person, smiled again, this time tightening my grip upon his unspoken wish.

true that it seemed unlikely, somehow, but if it was the final thing that crawled to the air from his vanishing gleams, I would do as he say and try to create a better masterpiece.

and as I looked through the instructions he accidentally left me, I smiled, for the third time on this occasion; for everything that has been cracked and everything that has fallen...

—has never looked so beautiful up until this moment.

unstable.

[pic is finished on January 28, 2013; posted on February 2, 2013]

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"but, perhaps, it was kind of my fault: to be so unstable; because if it weren't for that, maybe everything would feel okay right now. maybe you won't need to deal with all the fear and guilt. not on a day that was just too nice to not make your heart lit.

but then again, maybe it's just the way it has and always has to be."

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second try of doing a tea painting, it seems. also learned a lesson not to leave your drawing on the table to dry especially if it's raw and 'unstable' like this cause people may just consider it something trashable. -sob-

well, still, this -raw- painting helped me relax a bit in the past and I'm glad that I managed to at least take a picture of it before it's gone. -sob again; slapped- heh. all and all, thanks for checking this, everyone. :) hope that your days have been and can always be pretty much stable and nice!

there's still something.

[pic is finished and posted on January 24, 2013]

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the pieces of blue that smiles on its calmest moment, then those sincere drops that will make you forget about the scattering statement. at the end of the day, no matter how misty those mirrors are, you know for sure that there's still something. and in the sometimes sympathetic breeze, there is a whisper, hoping that the thing: one that's kind enough to still be there will never be to small to be found, even if it's hidden beyond all of its companion that can hardly warm your heart but are mostly around.

"there's still something worth holding on for."

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part of what happened after my sister dragged me outside to draw together with chalks. we had so much fun and I'm just so glad to have her around. also hope that tomorrow everything will be alright, for me, for you, and for all of us.

good luck and keep holding on, everyone. :')

it rains so hard tonight.

and these soothing moments are few that actually allow me to bound less with reality; slowly drifting, knowing that I am only alive upon everything that everyone will mostly not count as sanity.

but I just feel free.

truly free.

and that is more than enough for something that has been hollow somewhere in the middle of the sea; letting be, missing key—everything inside of me.

free, free, free...

contemplation.

[pic is finished on December 16, 2012; posted on January 3, 2013]

and there will always be a runaway to that corner where no one can exactly see you, just to give you the chance to contemplate and actually find out if there's someone that would realize your absence anyway; that someone actually worries even if you're never gonna be good enough for them, or even for yourself.

there's no moving forward, nor the usual falling down. everything stays still for a while. and then breathing becomes constant. and then everything turns dark. and then you realize that all the things that are wrong are the things that are true after all. and then you stare, numbly and into nothingness. and then you realize that you're done.

simply, precisely done.

surreal.

[pic is finished on December 26, 2012; posted on December 27, 2012]

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and then waking up wouldn't feel that exciting anymore; for there's no telling the border between the friction that turns the telescopes on and its absence that slides the curtains down.

everything is just in place to be crimsoned about.

and shall the sun shine to remind of things that stay after the farewell of its both rival and companion—those that sometimes fail to take part in a almost-inexistent leisure, just to be replaced by a temporary dismay of losing the finally-attained moment somewhere in the future.

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poster color paints and black marker. finally developing a new skill to borrow my brother's art equipment without shame. XD -dumped-

hey, sky.

[pic is taken on October 16, 2012; posted on November 11, 2012]

lately, all I could think about is spending some time with you. with everything that's been going, with mornings that are filled with the usual things and secret frown on both heart and notes to sing, all I wish to do is to have one moment to just stare at you and adore you without even having to worry about the fact that the moment is going to pass.

it just seems grand to have a life to only create and create: to go the days filled with art, stories, and feelings to express; to be inspired and hopefully to inspire someday; and to be somewhere where I no longer need to wish for time to not let tomorrow shove the happiness I've already felt today.

thank you.

hey, hasn't today been another great day for you?

the open land were again filled with shy and talented sailors in their always-changing tender ships; for the wind would always blow their ornaments and turn them to shift, while gravity pulled their mended soul with its usual way to force them free a drip—a sound to impress the observers from the other side of the invisible bridge, all told about themselves and how they had been longing to simply breathe in their truest weave, even if it was filled with dots and lines that would not gain much love like grieve.

one might translate this as a greeting to a warm friend that would never mind covering people from the chilly air—and also the possibility of the world to adopt one's regret at some other times—but the ground-kissing notes were actually there to set your heart to be fully open that day.

a loud and early joy from a woman that had always given you love, followed by the laughter from the most wonderful gift you had never asked but received in life; and those were already more than enough.

from that moment, you just knew that everything would go right. it's true that the scattered emotions might just be forgotten in the way, but they still touched the land in the end; and so will everything in life—everything in your life.

and this time, you chose to believe it.

believing that everything was okay; that even not today, you would feel enough someday.

someday.

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an attempt in writing. haha. haven't been writing for so many months right now, so I guess this is a bit of an effort to escape from writer's block, somehow. :'D

anyway, thank you for the wishes, gifts, and for making this day really great, everyone. thank you for making everyday in my life great. you know, I'm not sure if I can go this far without your care, kindness, and every other way to inspire and make me feel loved and mattered. thank you for trying to accept me this much. I wish you guys every happiness; and thank you so much for sharing some of your happiness with me all this time. :')

and also, I know this may sound odd and all, but I just wanna thank someone for not giving up yet; and for finally having hope that there would be someone who would never give up for him. the one person who probably understands me the most, yet I still blame him a lot, wondering why he can hardly feel like he's enough... -sigh-

yeah...

[pic is taken and posted on November 3, 2012]

cause otherwise you wouldn't experience today. you wouldn't experience all these happiness and the gratefulness of having so many amazing people and things around you. thank you for all the roads you chose to take in the past and those you still travel on today. thank you for being who you are today.

but, again... thank you for making it this far.

sure there will always be some sad days in the future, but in the end, you have to remember that everything will be worth it; and that you just can't give up until you can find no reason to do so. -sigh- good luck, myself. good luck, everyone. thank you for everything.

just wish...

[pic is finished and posted on July 2, 2012]

but may I? can I?

I'm afraid I might just know the firmest answer for both; but still, this heart won't stop running, hoping what comes would oppose, would -at least- let all the fragile feelings rose.

another remembrance.

the soft and mirror-like hail is once again trailing the dark sky, slaying my pain into a drifting uncertainty that is too familiar for me to define as a lie. it is, instead, I think, a state of lost that one can probably only experience when they are stuffed between the convenience of their warm treasure: a preferable spot to watch all the crashes; for if they get to close to the battle path, it is more than just possible that the nature will take its chance to transport them into a phase where all they can do is memorize their past, turning a clearer duplicate of the falling petals to come out from their pair of dying glasses... and waking their sense of emptiness to carve into their failing phrases, even the ones that are considered as the best.

...I guess.

erm... sorry, guys. up there is just a short description I randomly wrote to describe the weather in my place right now. it's night and it's raining; and as usual, the breeze gives me a good feeling. I'm so happy to be able to experience it this night. :')

and... straight to the point, I'm afraid I've been having major writer blocks -again- today and was a little sad cause of it, but hopefully those writing moments come soon...

-sigh- in the meantime, I actually finished another art of Austin, my original character that was also present in the pic I posted just a few weeks ago. :) shortly, I got nothing to do again this week -in the same day and in the same class, haha- and drew this piece... feel free to check it? ;D

[pic is finished and posted on March 5, 2012]

so, yeah... the hands, the background, the consistency, the fact that my drawing pen was broken in the middle of the drawing process, and probably some other things sure need some fixing. :'D haha. I need to keep on practicing, I know.

in the end, thank you so much for checking this out, guys. I'd love to enjoy the rain again right now, so to close this posting, I'd like to say thank you again for visiting this blog and hope that you guys could enjoy your night too out there. :)